Shy Snippet
November 9, 2007
When I was in college, I had to do a research paper for my Human Sexuality class. It was based on a thesis that I had to prepare so I did something related to online dating. I made an online ID that I would continue to use in most of my online ventures for years to come. The ID was ’shylesson’ and as simple as it sounds, it usually is available for use in any venue I join. So as such, I have been tagged the nickname ’shy’ despite my extroverted nature. Yet lately, I have not been so extroverted.
I think a lot. I ponder on the day to day and my past. I wonder what I could have done here, there, then, now… I’m a good person. I always come back to that. I am the type of person who would give my shirt off my back knowing it was the last shirt I even had just to see another person clothed. It is just how I have always been. Yet, it always seems to bite me in the ass. I have been working 11-12 hour days 5-6 days a week, and it is taking its toll on me. I sit here in a new place (again) trying to build up money (again) to get another car (again) because I gave all of myself for the people I loved. And what do I have to show for it? Well she stole my Wii, my bike, my drums, and broke my computer (I had to wait like 2 weeks to get it fixed) when I had done absolutely nothing to her. I worked hard for each of these things except the drums (a Christmas present). I had wanted a Wii for almost a year, and I finally was able to get it. I bought all the accessories and most of the games and any other extra you could think of. I loved it. It was something that I bought. And she stole it. Claims she loved me? Bull shit. I gave her everything she ‘wanted’ but the two things that I asked for (my computer and my Wii), she takes from me.
Never mind that she beat the ever loving crap out of me. Bruises heal, scars fade, and memories of the pain die out as well, but to target the few things that I enjoyed? Nothing more than a pocketbook to her I was.
I loved her. Still do. Anyone will tell you that. But how do I deal with loving her and feeling that she never really did love me? She could not possibly have loved me. She never showed me. And after all the drama, she continues to show me that she never really did.
I could not possibly write all the thoughts that I have in my head right now in regards to my ex and how things ended, but thought that a snippet inside my mind would be a great way for me to deal with it some. I think I will write more of my thoughts in this blog too. I’ll make a separate category just for them. After all, this is the blog where I can say anything–nothing is filtered– right?
Tags: ponder, drama, thoughts, filtered
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