Independent Dependency
May 14, 2008
I love with my whole heart. I often get taken advantage of because of my weakness for seeing others happy before myself. To my detriment, I will always put everyone else first. I so want to reach for what I deserve and what I want, but I do not feel worthy often times. It is not that I am not worthy either. I deserve happiness. I deserve to be loved unconditionally. I deserve to be that one special person. I deserve to achieve my goals and dreams. I deserve anything I want. The thing is, I do not want much.
I want to be loved, but only by her. I want to be successful, but not in the world’s terms of success. I want kids, but only her kids. And I want to spend the rest of my life with my heart.
I am a good person in general. I am loyal, honest, faithful, caring, kind, and just plain good. I love with my whole heart. If you are my friend, I tell you; I let you know how important you are to me, what you mean to me, and how awesome you are. If you are my lover, there is not one moment where I miss the chance to tell you how much I love you.
Life is too short. It is the only reason I cannot lie to the ones I love. A day, a month, or even a year can get wasted on a simple lie or two. Life is too short to throw away time.
I have witnessed dependent relationships whereby one partner is so consumed by the other that they lose them self. They forget their value as an individual and often times, their partners just aide in the degradation. It is not that they do it on purpose (one would hope), but they get in the routine of always knowing that their faithful pup will still be there so they focus back on themselves rather than the ‘us’ they once had. Females have so many stigmas to live up to or down to that it is hard often times to have a solid relationship. Either they are independent needing no one thereby neglecting their mate or they are dependent on their mate thereby neglecting themselves. Why?
I can be independent and dependent. It is hard. But I could. If I tried. I love my girlfriend with all my heart, mind, body, and soul. I let everyone know it even if she is more quiet. I do not let everyone know so they ‘know’ know, but because she is such a major part in my life that it would be like saying she is not worth it. This of course, is my opinion only, but this is supposed to be the one person that I want to spend forever with; if I cannot present her to my friends and family as my life mate and talk about her freely, what does that say about my thoughts on her?
I have always said that I am a hard person to love. As such, it is hard to accept that she loves me as she does. It is hard to accept that she wants to spend forever with me too. It is hard to accept that I have any value to her. I am a touchy feely person who likes to hear how important, special, or amazing I am. I love to feel her hands on my body if nothing more than to have them wrapped around me. I love the random times when she just tells me she loves me without me having to say it first. But I still find it hard to accept that she could love me just because I am me…and love me forever.
I have always been one to look to a person’s heart first. Cause that is something that withstands time. Besides, you can always get money to make yourself look better, but changing one’s personality is often a lofty task. Tiara’s heart is a heart of gold. I absolutely love it.
But I need to learn some independent dependency…so as not to lose myself. I cannot get hurt again.
Tags: relationships, love, independent, dependency
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