Intentions
August 10, 2008
Everyone has their own motives for doing, saying, and acting the way they do. Funny thing is that with modern society, we do not trust ‘Goodwill Towards Men’ anymore. Everyone has to have a motive, right? No one could possibly be doing something ‘kind’ without getting something for themselves in return…right? Gone are the days where you could find a bed and a warm meal merely by looking for a candle in the windows, and gone are the days where a community meant something more than PTA meetings and golf memberships.
I think about people’s intentions all the time because I have been screwed so many times by ill intentions. I am one of the few people left who actually believes in honesty [honor], loyalty, and helping others. I have grown to be cynical however in my thinking towards anyone else. I cannot accept that they accept me for me. I cannot accept that I am worthy of their praises or adoration. I cannot accept that I am worthy. But I am. I really am.
I find this lack of trust is hard when trying to maintain a relationship. In my defense, I always trust my partners until they give me a reason not to. Each one has given me good reason not to. I wish I were as ignorant as they would like me to be. At least then I would not have to feel the pain of knowing the truth. Yet my girlfriend claims she is working on better because she does want to be with me forever. I believe her because I know her well enough to know she means it in her heart; it is just her actions that speak louder. :/
She does not intentionally set out to hurt me, and I often think she is at battle with herself: with what she wants, who she wants to be, and what she wants to achieve. I want nothing more than to see her happy and successful, but more than that, I want those things for us as a couple. I love her very much and she is an amazing woman; she makes friends easily because of her personality. She attracts the masses. And it’s the masses’ intentions that worry me more than her intentions. But I project that insecurity out on her, and for that I feel I am unfair. Yet still she does not ease my fears by any means trying to change the subject of the matter…it’s a nice catch-22 to play with.
I always have the best of intentions when dealing with my friends and loved ones, but am often misinterpreted I have come to find out. Why? Because as I already said, no one can accept the good in man anymore; since everyone has to have an ulterior motive, surely mine can never be as selfless as I say they are.
It’s instilled in our minds. But what if everyone started to instill something different in their child’s mind? Could we really revert back to the age of thinking where we looked out for our community more than ourselves?
Tags: motives, community, intentions
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