Black & White
August 30, 2008
When people ask me if I am an optimist or a pessimist, I tell them quite simply that I am a realist. I dream for the best, but know that the worst might occur. I hate sappy romance movies because they never stay true to life, yet secretly I root for the happy ending. I want the fantasy to be a reality.
When I was younger, my mother would become so upset with me because I always had to have things as black and white–no room for gray. She used to tell me that things are not always black and white and that I had to accept that sometimes there is just gray. I never could. I still cannot. I tell people that in order to get gray, you must mix the black and the white. Sure, it applies to colors, but it can apply to life too. People only accept the gray because they do not want to accept the truth. Read more
Tags: optimist, pessimist, realist, gray
Idea Bug
July 13, 2008
I always have ideas on how to make things better in the world, make better websites, and make money online [or off]. It is a trait that most people with ADD/ADHD have to deal with. Generally the ideas are great and could work if I sat down and worked on them long enough, but I just cannot keep my focus. It is not that I am lazy or do not want to do it; it is that once I set out to do it, I get sidetracked with another genius idea or research for another project. I love working on new things, but as I am always finding new things, I am always finding something to distract me. Read more
Why US?
July 2, 2008
The United States is a superpower that runs to the aid of third world countries because that is their role as big brother…no pun intended…really. Trouble is, why aren’t they keeping up with their own household first? We have national debt, homeless VETS, corrupt officials, and troubles in our own homeland that need to be taken care of before we can help someone else. Why not? Why not better our country? Let the other countries better their realms as they please while we do ours as we please. Read more
Tags: United States
Addictive Personality
March 10, 2008
**If you get offended, please re-read this as I am sure you probably have misread me**
You can go to AA, NA, GA, ALANON, and any other support group you can think of whether it be for obesity or a chemical dependancy. Addicted to food? Over-Eaters Anonymous can help! Can’t get the taste of a good brew out of your mouth? Alcoholics Anonymous is a call away! Have an itch to throw your money away at every card table on your way home from work? Get the Gamblers Anonymous team on your side! What if you are addicted to love? Or defeat? Wouldn’t a love addiction lead to a definate defeat? Read more
Tags: Addicted, Anonymous, love
Dear Friend
December 18, 2007
I am an Aquarius (on the cusp of Pisces even). One quality associated with Aquarians is that they are hypersensitive. This is one thing I tell anyone that I am in a relationship with of any kind. I will always take something wrong, I will always be hurt easily, and I will always take things personally. I know this is how and who I am, but I cannot change it. Believe I have tried, but I always fail. I have never had a problem making friends due to my extroverted nature– the fact that I do not embarrass easily also helped. There are some that I have met that I would do anything for. They are simply amazing people. You forget that there is a real capacity for a great world until you meet these special people. They are the ones with the contagious smile, the optimistic personality, and/or the new outlook that you are looking for. They are the ones that get you thinking outside of the box and motivating you to fulfill your goals. I have been blessed to meet many of them. Now, if I ever hurt them– intentional or not– I would be highly upset. I mean, if someone else hurts them, I can hurt that said someone, but what do I do when it is me that hurts them? I could not deal with myself! I do not set out to hurt my dear friends. I would do anything to see them smile. But I know who I am is often misinterpreted. It really is. A lot because of how the world has molded our minds, but a lot because I cannot articulate what I am thinking/wanting/doing very well. Hard as I try, it comes out as either bs, muttled, or so jumbled that one would just have to shake their head rather than try to figure out what I am trying to say.
I have a friend that I have not done well in keeping in touch with. She is one of the most sweetest people you could ever hope to meet with that contagious smile that shows off her pearly whites. She had emailed me a couple of weeks ago and I just got around to my emails yesterday. She had sent me some christmas pictures of her. The first one I opened up had that wonderful smile and it instantly made me smile but at the same time I got this dejected look on my face and became saddened. I miss her very much because she was the one person who respected me as a person and my thoughts. She was the one person who recognized that just because I was young did not mean that my outlook or opinion on life was any less valuable or substantial.
I moved suddenly so as not to be a burden to my friends any longer because it was really eating me up inside. But because I generally have a one-track mind, I am not at all the best person at keeping in touch with people. I do well to email my sister from time to time. :/
I emailed her back and immediately told her how much she meant to me. I didn’t even ‘think’ about it; I just did it. Why not? It’s true. And I began to think about how peoople deal with relationships. How they treat their friends. Do they tell them how valuable they are to them? Do they let them know what they mean to them? It is always said that you should treat each day as your last, right? So you should tell those you love that you love them…
That being said, I would like to challenge anyone to tell their friends how amazing they are. Tell the ones you hold dear that they are loved. And tell them why. It is so easy to call someone amazing, but it’s even more real when you tell them what it is exactly that makes them so special.
Tags: Aquarius, hypersensitive, friends, misinterpreted, special
Shy Snippet
November 9, 2007
When I was in college, I had to do a research paper for my Human Sexuality class. It was based on a thesis that I had to prepare so I did something related to online dating. I made an online ID that I would continue to use in most of my online ventures for years to come. The ID was ’shylesson’ and as simple as it sounds, it usually is available for use in any venue I join. So as such, I have been tagged the nickname ’shy’ despite my extroverted nature. Yet lately, I have not been so extroverted.
I think a lot. I ponder on the day to day and my past. I wonder what I could have done here, there, then, now… I’m a good person. I always come back to that. I am the type of person who would give my shirt off my back knowing it was the last shirt I even had just to see another person clothed. It is just how I have always been. Yet, it always seems to bite me in the ass. I have been working 11-12 hour days 5-6 days a week, and it is taking its toll on me. I sit here in a new place (again) trying to build up money (again) to get another car (again) because I gave all of myself for the people I loved. And what do I have to show for it? Well she stole my Wii, my bike, my drums, and broke my computer (I had to wait like 2 weeks to get it fixed) when I had done absolutely nothing to her. I worked hard for each of these things except the drums (a Christmas present). I had wanted a Wii for almost a year, and I finally was able to get it. I bought all the accessories and most of the games and any other extra you could think of. I loved it. It was something that I bought. And she stole it. Claims she loved me? Bull shit. I gave her everything she ‘wanted’ but the two things that I asked for (my computer and my Wii), she takes from me.
Never mind that she beat the ever loving crap out of me. Bruises heal, scars fade, and memories of the pain die out as well, but to target the few things that I enjoyed? Nothing more than a pocketbook to her I was.
I loved her. Still do. Anyone will tell you that. But how do I deal with loving her and feeling that she never really did love me? She could not possibly have loved me. She never showed me. And after all the drama, she continues to show me that she never really did.
I could not possibly write all the thoughts that I have in my head right now in regards to my ex and how things ended, but thought that a snippet inside my mind would be a great way for me to deal with it some. I think I will write more of my thoughts in this blog too. I’ll make a separate category just for them. After all, this is the blog where I can say anything–nothing is filtered– right?
