I don’t like my mind really. I don’t. Simply because I don’t feel normal. That’s right. I don’t feel normal and I don’t like that feeling. I don’t feel normal because I don’t think about normal stuff…I think.

I think about death, I think about old people, and I think about spiritual warfare, but very little about everything else. Sure bills and work, but apart from that, my mind is cluttered.

I talk to God still. Not as often as before. Not as often as I’d like. I sometimes think this is my punishment: to be trapped by my thoughts.

I don’t want to die. But I’m so young. Why even think like that? I’m scared of being old and feeble. But I’m so young. Why even think like that?

I hate when I walk past an elderly woman and my heart bleeds for her. I hate that I want to know that she has someone taking care of her and bringing her joy. I hate that I want to know that she doesn’t have to work as old as she is. I hate that I care so damn much about people I do not even know.

I hate it because I don’t take care of myself. Not to say I’m dirty and malnourished or anything, but I’m not happy. Not truly happy. I know what I want to be happy even, but I don’t feel like I can have it. I also can’t reach it just yet while I’m taking care of everyone else’s bills. Just means I have to focus my time on other things without doing things I want to do. But I could do. I could. I could have what I want and do what I want and be where I want [almost 100%] if I did not care about people. If I could be greedy and only take care of myself, I’d be sitting pretty.

I hate being in a cloud of confusion all the time. I think I have ADHD [I've been told I do, but I never really accepted that fact] because I get so lost in my thoughts that hours pass and I don’t know where they went. I just can’t focus. I hate that. I want my focus back. Ever since my mother hit me over the head with the coffee pot, I have lost it more and more. My counselor in college said it probably was the blow that caused it, but truly I never blamed my mom or got mad because of it. Truly still I am not, but I’m so sad that I can’t regain my focus anymore.

I can’t read books like I used to. I loved to read. That’s what I want to do most times but I can’t seem to find my focus anymore. I need to see a psychiatrist again, but can’t afford to right now. I used to be so adamently against them and their drugs, but now I so want some drugs. I want help.

I have been through hard times where I thought the only choice I had was to take my life and I tried. I did. I did not succeed, but the peculiar thing about it was the doctors said there were no meds in my system. Despite the completely empty bottle and my very lethargic state, the doctors could not find any trace of the meds in my system. It was from then on that I thought for sure that God wanted better for me.

But I know the state of mind. I know how it feels to look everywhere around and see nothing but “signs” from the universe telling you that you do need to end it all. In my states, I did not think about the “better place” or any good, but just that life was just not worth living.

Yet I was driving in my car today and thinking about a commercial that came over the radio about depression. I thought about why others might have the same thoughts as I did and want to take their life. I thought about the alternative to life: death. What is so great about death? What is on the other side that these people would think death is better than life?

And then I thought about Heaven. What a great place that is made out to be. I am constantly at battle with myself as to what I specifically believe, but I do want to believe in Heaven and it’s eternal pleasures. But with talks of Heaven and a better place, why wouldn’t someone in a rut turn to death? I mean think about it: live a life of lonely solace, or die happy and arrive in paradise? Which would you choose?

I know there is so much more to the person’s state of mind and surroundings, but I was just wondering if maybe the suicide rate would be reduced if they knew they only had one chance at life. I wonder if they would think twice if there were no Paradise.

When I was younger, my mother would become so upset with me because I always had to have things as black and white–no room for gray. She used to tell me that things are not always black and white and that I had to accept that sometimes there is just gray. I never could. I still cannot. I tell people that in order to get gray, you must mix the black and the white. Sure, it applies to colors, but it can apply to life too. People only accept the gray because they do not want to accept the truth.

Your husband left you because he is a man that cannot control his worldly urges. He will realize late on in life that he missed out on a good thing. He will be lonely in his later years, but he is only thinking of the now. People live for the now thinking tomorrow is not guaranteed, yet when tomorrow comes, they are stuck with the consequences of their actions.

Your baby was stillborn because that is life. Not because you were a bad person, or God turned his back on you. If we knew exactly why tragedies occurred, we would prevent them, but since a tragedy is just that [a tragedy], we cannot go on fishing for answers that just are not there.

Shit happens.

You cheated because for a moment you only cared about yourself. You let go of any attachments to anyone else and gave in to your own urges. Your urges were there because you were weak, because your partner beat you down, because your partner gave up on you, because your partner stopped believing in you, because you stopped believing in love, because you wanted more, because you mistook lust for something more, because of any other reason other than the excuse that “you don’t know”.

“I don’t know” is just a cop out.

We know why we do what we do. Deep down we know. We know why we are the evil that we are or the good that we try to be.

We know the why, we just do not know how to deal with it.

It is black and white. It just is not always pretty.

Gray is just a manifestation of the black and white at battle with each other. Whenever chaos occurs, people always ask ‘why’. They have to know the reasoning for everything to make sense. Otherwise, it just eats at them. Yet often when we find out the ‘why,’ we cannot accept it. We cannot accept that one man would actually kill for no reason at all. We cannot accept that people would take lives off of a blind order to do so. We cannot accept the inhumanity. Yet it exists. But we insist on creating the gray matter; there always has to be more to it…right?

I cannot accept that gray exists without the black and white to create it.

Tags: optimist, pessimist, realist, gray, inhumanity, black and white

I abhor my mind sometimes. Only when it gets in the way of getting the things accomplished that I want to get accomplished. Today I set out to update my online arcade because I was getting lots of spam signups and I wanted to fix my play counter [before it was not updating the daily plays]. I also had to add a privacy policy and TOS page and I wanted to fix my ad layouts so that they flowed better with the site. It took me a good 3 hours to accomplish everything.It could have taken me an hour, but I kept getting distracted with games, chat, sites, and forums. I had to keep telling myself to get back to what I was doing. I finally got everything accomplished with that site, but it was frustrating to have to force my focus each time.

I love the ideas I have. I know they can work and the ones I want to be profitable can be, but it is dealing with my mind that frustrates me the most. Sometimes I do not want to get on the computer because I know it will go in ten different directions, and I will get nothing accomplished. I hate the idea of having to take drugs for my ADD, but it has actually gotten to a point where I cannot control it anymore. :/

Tags: ideas, ADD, distracted

When I was a kid, I thought I could be president. I thought the job was just too simple. I mean, all I would do to cure the national debt and homelessness would be to use the barter and Habitat for Humanity systems. The way I saw it, we were paying troops to kill and destroy [in the mind of a child, this is all they could be good for; not for gaining peace] so why not have them do the opposite? Build and aid? Simply put, barter with the country to which we are indebted; we build a few buildings or roads for you, and you clear our debts. Or how about building in our own country? Build more war veteran hospitals, homes for Habitat for Humanity, and rebuild broken roadways. Why pay these men to destroy lives? Only so they can come home wounded, often desolate, and suffering from PT SD?? So we can create a new cycle of homeless vets?

Habitat for Humanity has the right idea. They build homes, make the person that will be living in that home help with the building, and offer low-cost living opportunities to those who wouldn’t otherwise have had the chance to own a home. The houses are not extravagant, but to the person who never had a home, it is a sweet luxury. Imagine having the aid of hundreds upon hundreds of troops.

The national debt will constantly be. We are constantly dependent on something that we will need to provide funds for. But what if we used our forces to crack down on foreign dependency? To at least minimize it. With more tools and manpower, we are able to achieve results better and faster. THEN we can assist the foreigners.

Think about it. If it takes 10 men to build a home in 30 days, would it not be faster to build that same home with 100 men? If we took a break to focus on us, and get ‘us’ right, wouldn’t we be in a better position to come to the aide of a third world country? Heck, we may have so much time on our hands that we could even think of more PEACEFUL means of communication.

Yes, I know. My utopia could never be, but the theory is great. If implemented, it could be better than what we have in the very least. You never know until you try. Why do we have to be the ones to run to everyone else’s aid? Who made us the supreme being? Sure I know about treaties and powers and such, but nowhere is it written that we are absolutely obligated to go to war.

We waste money on wars and politicians in my opinion. Why? Why do we pay obscene amounts of money to these people who are corrupt anyways? Not only that, but the obscene retirement payments that these government officials get while America goes hungry. WHY? Wake the fuck up America. Take back what is yours. Stop putting money in these god damn politicians pockets. Fuck them. They do not give a shit about you. All they care about is them. FUCK THEM. I am tired of seeing problems that could be easily handled if these guys would dip in THEIR motherfucking pockets for a change. If THEY would step up and do something. All this talk of not having social security and these guys are getting mad ass pensions! WTF. And then we pour money into coalition groups that fight only because another certain coalition group was formed (aka the Christians vs. Everyone else). Why not go back to what we build this country on? The rights of the people! We broke away from the Brits in order to AVOID having to be controlled by a governmental power. So that our rights, wants, and desires mattered. Yet we are constantly trying to ban gay rights, stop women from having their right to choose, and intrude on any other right that does not have a single damn thing to do with us but that we do not like someone else having.

This is not how things have to be. Martin Luther King, Jr. once gave a speech that is infamous in human history. He envisioned better for our nation and it became more than a dream; it became a reality. We do not have to grin and bear the lot we have been given; if anything, this is the one place in the world that we can do anything we set to do.

I am tired. I hate to think of myself as an American because of what the word represents, but am privileged to have been born in the land of the free…even if the term is relative.

Tags: United States, troops, vets, utopia, war

You can go to AA, NA, GA, ALANON, and any other support group you can think of whether it be for obesity or a chemical dependancy.  Addicted to food?  Over-Eaters Anonymous can help!  Can’t get the taste of a good brew out of your mouth?  Alcoholics Anonymous is a call away!  Have an itch to throw your money away at every card table on your way home from work?  Get the Gamblers Anonymous team on your side! What if you are addicted to love?  Or defeat?  Wouldn’t a love addiction lead to a definate defeat?  You ‘love’ them so you stalk them.  You know their every step of every day and you call it love.  You send them flowers, candy, poems, and letters to ’show’ your ‘love’ for them.  You cry and pull a trump to keep them near.  You call death at their leaving and cry hypocrite at their lack of reciprocation.  But you are addicted to love; who can recpirocate on your level but another with the same addiction?  Then is it ‘love’?  Two people with a common addictive thread developing what could only be seen as a volatile make-up.  And based on the odds, you won’t find them so you keep getting beat down; defeated.  Yet you get back up and try again as if to try to walk through a locked door over and over again where the key is on the other side.  And how do you help a friend with this addiction?

Tags: Addicted, Anonymous, love

I have a friend that I have not done well in keeping in touch with. She is one of the most sweetest people you could ever hope to meet with that contagious smile that shows off her pearly whites. She had emailed me a couple of weeks ago and I just got around to my emails yesterday. She had sent me some christmas pictures of her. The first one I opened up had that wonderful smile and it instantly made me smile but at the same time I got this dejected look on my face and became saddened. I miss her very much because she was the one person who respected me as a person and my thoughts. She was the one person who recognized that just because I was young did not mean that my outlook or opinion on life was any less valuable or substantial.

I moved suddenly so as not to be a burden to my friends any longer because it was really eating me up inside. But because I generally have a one-track mind, I am not at all the best person at keeping in touch with people. I do well to email my sister from time to time. :/

I emailed her back and immediately told her how much she meant to me. I didn’t even ‘think’ about it; I just did it. Why not? It’s true. And I began to think about how peoople deal with relationships. How they treat their friends. Do they tell them how valuable they are to them? Do they let them know what they mean to them? It is always said that you should treat each day as your last, right? So you should tell those you love that you love them…

That being said, I would like to challenge anyone to tell their friends how amazing they are. Tell the ones you hold dear that they are loved. And tell them why. It is so easy to call someone amazing, but it’s even more real when you tell them what it is exactly that makes them so special.

Tags: Aquarius, hypersensitive, friends, misinterpreted, special